My liver just broke up with me...
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
