Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
