you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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