I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
cat food counts as protein by the way
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
