We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Randomize