my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
