Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
