Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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