Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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