I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
not ubering you a puppy
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
