Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
The air taste purple.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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