she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
