My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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