I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Randomize
