Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
In other news, I just burned my penis
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
