I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
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The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
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Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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