no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
