I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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