Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
