Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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