I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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