I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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