Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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