the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
