u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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