No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
