Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
