I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
