either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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