i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
