like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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