He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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