I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
