He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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