shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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