just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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