all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
