My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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