Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
