I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Randomize
