it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
