pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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