So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
we're making bets on your personal life
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
