my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
