I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
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I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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