If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
