true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
