Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
My legs feel like baby dolphins
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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