i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
We have started to decorate penises.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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