tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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