Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
