All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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