the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
