I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
