My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I don't think brook has ever known best
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
