I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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