apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
