Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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