Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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