Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize