Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
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